Heine's Ramblings and Rumblings

Category Archives: Humour


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When Insults Had Class

A member of Parliament to Disraeli:

“Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

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“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

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“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

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“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”

– Clarence Darrow

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“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

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“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”

– Moses Hadas

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“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a

nice letter saying I approved of it.”

– Mark Twain

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“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..” – Oscar Wilde

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“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

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·”Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ….if there is one.”

– Winston Churchill, in response.

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“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

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“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

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“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb

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“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson

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“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

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“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand

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“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

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“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”

– Mark Twain

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“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”- Oscar Wilde

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“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts…for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

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“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”- Billy Wilder

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“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx.

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Idees vol vrees

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Naughty Dogs!

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The diary of a Kariba Transplant

Stolen from Eric Sommer

 

 
The diary of a Kariba Transplant!

August 1
Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Chawara , Northern Kariba ..
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I’ve finally found my new home. I love it here.

September 1
Really heating up now. It got to 31 today.
No problem though.
Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I’m turning into a sun-worshipper – no blasted rain like back in London !!

September 15
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks.
No more mowing lawns for me!
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
It’s Paradise !

October 1
The temperature hasn’t been below 35 all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least today it’s windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit.
Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected.

October 15
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday.
Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed three days off work. What a dumb thing to do..
Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!

October 20
Didn’t notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.
By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.
The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit.
I’ve learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25
This wind is a bastard.
It feels like a giant fucking blow dryer. And it’s hot as hell!
The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fucking JHB
The wife & the kids are complaining.

October 30
The temperature’s up around 40 and the parts still haven’t arrived for the fucking air conditioner.
House is an oven so we’ve all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
Bloody $600,000 house and we can’t even go inside.
Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4
Finally got the fucking air-conditioner fixed.
It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 35 degrees. Stupid repairman. Fucking thief.

November 8
If one more smart bastard says ‘Hot enough for you today?’ I’m going to fucking throttle him.
Fucking heat!
By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my fucking clothes are soaking fucking wet and I smell like baked cat.
Fucking place is the end of the Earth.

November 9
Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car.
I thought my fucking arse was on fire.
I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my fucking arse.
Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

November 10
The Weather report might as well be a fucking recording..Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fucking sunny.
It never fucking changes!
It’s been too hot to do anything for 2 fucking months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Fuck!

November 15
Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn fucking place?
Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fucking pool.
The only things that thrive in this fucking hell-hole are the fucking flies.
You don’t dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!

November 20
Welcome to HELL!
It got to 45 fuckin’ degrees today.
Now the air conditioner gone in my car.
The repair man came to fix it and said, ‘Hot enough for you today?’
I wanted to shove the fucking car up his fucking arse.
Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick.
Fucking KARIBA!
What kind of sick, demented fucking idiot would want to live here!

December 1
WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!!
You are fucking kidding me!