Heine's Ramblings and Rumblings

Owning a Canadian ?

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Below is a brilliant and humorous response to the
notion that the Bible is the ultimate justification for any conflicting
viewpoint in this day and age.

Owning A Canadian

On her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox
Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22,
and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a U.S.
man, and posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have
learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many
people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example,

I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states
it to be an abomination … End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of
God’s Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female,
provided they are from neighboring nations.
A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians.
Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus
21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her

period of Menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15:19-24.
The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9.
The problem is my neighbors.
They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death.
Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the
police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.
I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses.
Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around
their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27.
How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead
pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting
two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend).
He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town
together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.
Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do
with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable
expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

James M.
Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction,
and Special Education
University of Virginia

P.S. It would be a
damn shame if we couldn’t own a
Canadian.

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